Collin played a Dane Cook DVD for me last night - if you haven't heard Dane Cook's stand up comedy yet, you really need to check him out. He's absolutely hi-larious. Anyway, one of his skits was about car accidents and it reminded me of something that happened to me a few years ago. I'll put his words first and then in italics I'll tell my story. Enjoy!

We love car accidents in this country. We're obsessed with car accidents! I know you're like me, its like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet. You're in your house watching tv, you're in bed. All of a sudden outside at the corner you hear:

SCREECH!

Damnit! Shit that sounded like it was going to hit. You always want it to hit. SCREECH. Come on! Nothing! Uh.

That's so true, sad to say. I was always hearing the SCREECH where I used to live and then nothing. It was always such a let down.

Then when you finally hear the crash your psyched, its like, Screech where are my shoes? Yes, where are my shoes? Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, i'm going out without shoes.

The sad part is...I heard the SCREECH then the impact and I was ON THE PHONE LONG DISTANCE!! I couldn't just say, "Oh, Heidi, I'm glad you called and I'm really sorry to hear about your cancer but there was a car accident outside and I have to go!!!" That just wouldn't be right. So my ex ran outside and I ended up on the couch looking out the window trying to see what happened out there while listening to my friend from Idaho tell me about her fight with cancer.

Right, you come out of your house, all your neighbours are coming out, everyone's coming out, you're like waving at each other. You're psyched to see each other, come on! Let's go, you wanna go together? Come on let's go, you me and you, no no, you wait for the next group, you wait for the next group. We'll go as a team, no no you wait, you wait for the next group.

So when I finally got off the phone and got outside, the neighbors were all gathered together across the street. I joined my ex and the neighbor I knew. Then I was introduced to the people that lived next to me. "Do you know Tristan and his wife?" I never would have met them if not for this accident.

And it doesn't matter who you start talking to, I guarantee everyone is having the same exact conversation. No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back and forth is like, Yeah, yeah well no I was in my kitchen, and I heard it so I came out. You were in your living room? I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard it, I came out. What you were in you're basement? He was in his living room, I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning, and I heard it so i came out. What? Shoes? No, no, Fuck shoes! Haha shoes, hahaha listen to this guy with shoes. Hahaha you, Shoes, over here.

My story was "I was on the phone long distance and couldn't come out right away." My ex's shoes were untied - at least he found his shoes.

The actual accident was this: an old lady had taken the corner at the end of the street too fast and careened into the car parked on the street next door. Apparently she just barely missed my car that was parked on the street as well. After the impact, she backed up and took off down the road, fully intending to leave the scene. It just so happened that a guy that lived three houses down and who I went to high school with was in his yard when the accident occured. The lady's driver's side window was down and Mark was able to jump in through the window and turn off her car, forcing her to stay until the police came. It was the most exciting thing that had happened on Hackberry Drive since the drug bust when I was in high school!!

Labels: Funny, stories

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