Friday, August 27, 2004

Grandma's Prayer List

My dad's mother is and always has been quite a religious woman. She attends
church regularly, signs greeting cards with "Love & God Bless" and has the
requisite number of Jesus pictures in her house. When I was little, I thought
she probably had an inside track to Heaven. A few years later she proved to us
all just how right I was.

In the mid 80's she & my grandpa moved from Grand Junction to Waco, TX. It
was a required move due to my grandpa's poor health and the fact that the
altitude was better for his lungs than the Colorado air. After he passed away,
Grandma became very immersed in the Salvation Army Church and actually managed
some apartments for them. She got to live on the grounds rent free (I assume)
and she dealt with the problems of the tenants. There was one woman who was a
huge problem in herself.

As I recall, this woman would call Grandma at all hours of the day & night,
reporting stupid problems. When Grandma finally told her to stop calling, the
woman started threatening her. Being the sweet religious woman she is, she
simply prayed to God. I now present to you her prayer: "God, I leave this
problem in Your hands. You will know the best way to deal with this woman."
That's all it was. Simple as that.

The next day, God did indeed deal with that woman. She was hit by a city bus
and killed. No joke. Smushed flat, problem over. Dad asked her then to
never pray for us. But if you have a problem with someone, she may take prayer


Thursday, August 26, 2004

What Collin Said

So, yeah, I've been real busy this week, packing up the house, watching Collin & Dad clean out my nasty-ass garage...finding a place to move to. I've actually got three stories for your blogging enjoyment in the works so stay tuned!


Sunday, August 22, 2004

Speaking Of...

Since a couple people have been on the topic of childhood injuries and
traumas, I decided I'd add my own to the list. I was very lucky as a child;
nothing horrible ever happened to me like slicing my eyelid off (open,'s all the same to me, Collin) or breaking any bones (I waited until I
was 16 to do that). I had stupid little things happen to me like being
scratched on the face by my great grandma's dog when I was 2 that left a red
sunburst-shaped scar on my face until I was about 13. Strangely enough, when I
was 5 or 6, a little girl that lived down the way from me kicked me in the face
when I told her I couldn't play with her and left the exact same scar on the
opposite cheek. They both lasted the same amount of time before fading.

About the same time as the "boot to the head", there was a woman that lived in
the end apartment from us. Her name was Mona & she had two little yappy dogs,
Sam & Fonzie. I loved those dogs and she would let me go with her when she
went walking them. One day she took me to the dump. Out apartment complex was
within walking distance and she liked to rummage through the garbage heaps &
see what hidden treasures she could find. I remember one time she brought
Derek & I a bunch of school books she found there. They were actually pretty
cool...there was a story inside one of them about a little pine tree who wanted
to be a gold Christmas tree & it always made me sad when I read it...but I

Anyway, Mona took me, Sam & Fonzie to the dump but to get into it, we had to
climb through a barbed wire fence. I had never seen barbed wire before, had no
idea how sharp it was. I thought I could just slip right through it and be on
my way to finding grand treasure. I bent over and stuck the top half of my
body between the strands. One barb caught my shirt and pulled it up over my
back as I moved forward. The other barbs sliced my skin right open. It hurt
like hell but I was so excited about visiting the dump and finding discarded
Barbies and Teddy Bears that I didn't want to ruin it by crying that I was hurt
& bleeding. After a while, though, I realized that there was nothing there but
garbage and my back was throbbing so I finally told Mona what had happened.
She rushed me home in a guilt-induced panic to my mother. I just remember
lying on my stomach in our big old recliner while she bandaged me up. I think
I even got ice cream that night.


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Local Interest

Oh my! 2 posts in one day? I may be getting back into the swing of things!

I was reading in the paper this morning something that anyone familiar with
Colorado Springs might find interesting. Today is the 75th anniversary of the
statue of William Palmer being erected. That's right, that stupid statue has
been in the way for 75 freakin' years!!

For those of you not familiar with this piece of "art" I'll explain. William
J. Palmer founded this lovely city so to honor him they made this big bronze
statue of him on his horse. That's all well & good but did they put in a park
or on a street corner? NO!! They placed the things smack-dab in the middle
of an intersection!!! Seriously! Right in the middle of Platte & Nevada
there he is.

Palmer High School is right there on the corner and I know (since I know a
couple Palmer graduates) that it's almost a tradition for the seniors every year
to spray paint the horse's privates very bright colors. That's always nice
for the tourists to see.

Not to mention it makes left hand turns a pain in the ass!!!! I remember one
time being in my little Honda CVCC and needing to turn left onto Nevada from
Platte and I got stuck in the middle of the intersection next to that damn
statue. If he hadn't have been there, I could have turned! Historical maybe but
why does it have to be in the middle of the damn street??


Another Gem From The Depths Of My House

I just can't believe how much CRAP I've accumulated in the time I've lived in
my house. Granted some of the stuff was left by my parents when they moved
out & I moved in (Mom: "We can leave this stuff here and come back for it."
Guess what? They NEVER came back for it!!!). My big thing seems to be finding
pieces of paper with funny little drawings or sayings or whatever and
sticking them in a box somewhere then promptly forgetting about them. Such is the
story with what you're about to read.

Years ago when I was working at the radio station, a friend gave me a
photocopy of a newstory that was printed in the Rochester Democrat newspaper in New
York. What you are about to read is EXACTLY what was printed. Here we go,
fasten your seatbelts and keep all arms & legs inside the car during the ride:

"HORROR OF THE HAUNTED HAM: A frightened family of four is pleading with
their parish priest to help them cure a most unusual problem - their home is
being terrorized by a haunted hunk of ham. Angry sounding squeals, grunts and
oinks echo eerily from the deserted kitchen of the Vandelee home while the
family tries to sleep. They've tried tossing out the evil piece of pig but it
always ends up back on the top shelf of the refrigerator. "I believe the thing's
possessed by the ghost of the butchered pig," Claude Vandelee, 36, of
Rotterdam, Holland is quoted as saying. "Our priest refuses to exorcise the pig demon
from our home," says Anne Vandelee, 39. "He says possessed ham doesn't fall
under his jurisdiction."

A haunted ham. Deviled ham is more like it. Is that a problem in Holland:
animals haunting their carcasses? What really gets me is that these people
let their names be printed! And what kind of a priest refuses to help a
parishioner? Maybe they didn't tithe enough?


Monday, August 16, 2004

Oh The Temptation...

I just walked out of the back door here on my floor at work and the guy that
fills the vending machines is filling up the one that holds the candy & chips.
I went into the bathroon and when I walked back out, the vending machine door
was standing wide open and he wasn't around! I could have so easily cleaned
him out of his Reese's Pieces and Skittles...but my mother raised me better
than that! Too bad!


The Best Picnic EVER!!!

This weekend I busied myself with packing up my house so I can move out. I did
take time off for things like eating (last night I had German food from that
little place in Widefield and almost exploded from all the buttery goodness I
devoured!), sleeping & shopping for boring things like trash bags & packing
tape (I did, however, make one thrilling purchase: Maroon 5's CD "1.22.03
Acoustic." It has 7 songs on it done live & acoustically including their three
singles, 2 songs from their debut CD "Songs About Jane" and covers of The
Beatles' "If I Fell" & AC/DC's "Highway To Hell." If you haven't checked this
band out yet, I strongly suggest you do so IMMEDIATELY! They're really good &
my new favorite band of the moment.). However, for working so dilligently on
my house, I got a reward of sorts Friday afternoon: I was invited to the
Graham Advertising company picnic.

It was held at Bear Creek Park, a place I loved to go when I was young because
of the rolley slide. That's what Derek & I called it, anyway. It was a slide
made from these blue metal tubes that rolled as you slid was so cool!
The slide is gone now but the memories still remain....anyway...when we all
first got there, Collin & I were sitting at a picnic table and Derek was
standing there talking with us when the owner of the company, Jerry, came up to
say "Hi" to the guys. Then he looked at me and said, "I don't believe we've
ever met. I'm Jerry."

"I'm Heather," I replied, shaking his offered hand. His face lit up in

"Oh! You're Derek's wife!"

"NO!!!" Both Derek's answer & mine were in unison and in that tone of horror
reserved specifically for when someone mistakes your sibling for your spouse.
"I'm his sister." Poor Jerry, he looked so confused.

"But...but I thought your wife's name was Heather?"

"It is," Derek explained. "But so is my sister's." I think he might have had
it all straight when he walked away but his eyes looked a little glazed...

Speaking of Derek...little punk that he is made me sit at the same picnic table
as an "ex-boyfriend" of mine from junior high that I don't particulary care for.
This guy Scott went to school with me from jr high on. When I was in 7th
grade, I had a HUGE crush on him but he always said that he didn't like me. So
imagine my pleasure when my friend Sandi came up to me one day after school and
said that Scott would "go with" me. I guess that means we were dating...we
never spoke escpet for a couple times on the phone (Scott: "I heard you broke up with
me." Me: "No." Scott "Oh, okay. Bye.") One time he rode his bike to my house
and stood on the sidewalk for a while. He never came to the door & I never
went outside. I was too scared! day the phone call came again. Scott: "I heard you broke up with
me." This was getting stupid & old so I just said, "Yeah, I guess I did." And
that was our whole relationship. I think it lasted a week. Later that school
year, I heard that the only reason Scott went out with me was because his buddy
Greg had bet him $5 that he wouldn't!! Needless to say, that was quite an
ego-crusher & I decided then that I hated him. In 9th grade, though, I got my
revenge. He ended up sitting at my table in science with a busybody named
Tina. She asked me if it was true that I had gone out with Scott in 7th grade
and with him sitting right there I said, "Yeah but only cuz Sandi bet me $10
that I wouldn't!" HA!

But the point here is that now Scott works at the same company as Derek. And
Derek was just being exceptionally evil that day when he headed straight for
Scott's table knowing I was following him. Then he said something to Scott to
the effect of "Hey, remember my sister?" I just stared for a second then said
"Hi." He responded in kind and I asked how he was. He was fine, so was I.
Thank God for Collin - he sat next to Scott so I wouldn't have to. I'm still
annoyed at you, Derek, for doing that!!

Other than that (& Collin getting bitten by some deranged fly) it was a pretty
good picnic. A nice distraction from the rigors of packing crap up!


Friday, August 13, 2004

Check It Out

hey...a quick note...Collin & I set up a blog for my mom yesterday at lunch.
It's called Smarter By Myself and I'm hoping that she'll actually blog &
amuse you all as much as she amuses us. The link should be on my sidebar...if
not, Collin has the link up on his site.

The packing & the cleaning is going...well, it's going. I don't know how I
accumulated so much crap over the years!! It's madness, I tell you!


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Busy As A Bee

I mentioned a couple posts ago that I was moving out of my house. I am
dedicating this upcoming 4-day weekend of mine to pack & clean and try my best
to get out of there. Sooooo...there will probably be no posts, no comments, no
nothing from me for a while except a lot of whining because of all the work I
have in front of me. I have the living room and the front bathroom all packed
up and the dining room is about half done. That leaves the kitchen, utility
room, another bathroom, three bedrooms and the garage. The garage, however, I
am planning on trying to extract help from my family with. It's piled with so
much stuff, it's unbelievable! I'm a little afraid to see what bugs are in
there as well.
So, anyway, there's the reason that I'll be missing for a while. I know
you're all sad but you'll live. You still have Collin & Derek & Monkey & Trish
& Jenn to entertain you! :D


The Sacrifices We Make...

I was at work the other night and during the course of our conversation, my
boss started telling me about this TV show she had stayed up watching that
morning after work. It was "History's Mysteries", a show that I have watched and
enjoyed myself. One time it talked about how the shootout at the OK Corrall
actually started (Doc Holliday's fault...mentioned in an earlier post) and who
actually shot down the Red Baron (some unknown gunner who probably never even
knew what he's done). The show that Nancy saw was about the Aztecs and the
human sacrifices that they were famous for. She was telling me all about it
and it fascinated me so I dug a bit online and found this article written by PJ
Gladnick. This is truly disturbing...unless you're an Indiana Jones fan...

"It is estimated that approximately 20,000 people per year were sacrificed
by the Aztec royalty. Captives were taken to the top of pyramids where, upon
a ritual flat stone table, they had their chests cut upon and their hearts
ripped out [Mola Ram Suda Ram...]. Then the bodies of the victims were tossed
down the steps of the pyramids. [Nancy mentioned that these victims were
required to walk up at least 12 flights of steep steps to the altar where they would
be sacrificed. If it were me, I'd be begging for death by the 7th flight at
"Critical to understanding the motivation behind the ritual sacrifices is
the concept of tonalli, which means animating spirit. The tonalli in humans was
believed to be located in the blood, which concentrates in the heart when one
becomes frightened. This explains the gods hunger for the heart. Without this
sacrifice, all motion stops, even the movement of the sun. So when the Aztecs
made their sacrifices, as far as they were concerned, they were keeping the
sun from halting in its orbit. [So, we apparently have the Aztecs to thank for
keeping this world turning.]
"Particularly thirsty for blood was the war god, Huitzilopochtli. On the
other hand, Quetzalcoatl was a kinder, gentler god. Quetzalcoatl only demanded
the sacrifice of animals such as snakes and butterflies. [How do you sacrifice
a butterfly? Did Quetzalcoatl ask for the butterfly's heart as well?
Wouldn't that be hard??]
"The victims of these ritual slaughters were usually warriors captured by
the Aztecs in battles or tributes from vassal states in the form of humans
offered up for sacrifice. This is why the Aztecs never fully conquered many of
the surrounding states. They needed a steady supply of ritual sacrifice victims.
If they used their own people for sacrifice then it could cause an uprising.
"There was another reason for these ritual sacrifices---cannibalism. After
the hearts were removed and the bodies tossed down the temple steps, the
limbs were removed and later cooked. As repugnant as cannibalism is to us today,
back then to the Aztecs, cooked human bodies were looked upon as great
delicacies which explains why only Aztec royalty, not the common people, were allowed
to engage in cannibalism. The favorite parts for the Aztecs to munch on were
the hands and thighs. The Aztec emperor, Montezuma, was reported to have been
partial to cooked thighs served with tomatoes and chili pepper sauce. [That
could be Martha Stewart's first show from prison...]

So...there's your history lesson for today. The next time I wish I could go
back and see what it was like back then, I'll remember this!


Sunday, August 08, 2004

The Things You Find In Drawers...

I'm moving out of my house this month and that means a lot of packing and
cleaning. I don't mind the packing part so much...I've lived in this house on &
off since I was in 2nd grade so it's kinda like a treasure hunt going through
everything to pack it all up. One of the things I found in a drawer the other
day was a book I bought some years back entitled

How to Turn Your Ex-Boyfriend Into A Toad
by Athena Starwoman.

Now, I'll admit freely that I'm enthralled by anything to do with the occult,
witchcraft, ghosts, etc., and I used to frequent a store here in town called
Celebrations quite often that specialized in just that kind of stuff. I ended
up with quite a collection of spell books, books on palmistry, writing magic,
numerology, things like that. With so many books floating around, this one
had gotten lost in the shuffle. When I found it, I flipped through it and
remembered why I bought it in the first place.

I didn't have an ex-boyfriend that I wanted turned into a toad. I just
thought the book was funny. I'd like to share with you now the spell on how to
turn your ex-boyfriend into a toad as written by Athena Starwoman:


Most effectively done at midnight on a Full Moon. Collect your ingredients
and find a safe place where you can be undisturbed. Lay the piece of material
on a flat surface. Put the dirt on top and then the picture of your ex.
Gather up the sides and then take the needle and thread and sew the material into
a sack shape. Take the green pen and on the outside of the bag draw the
ugliest toad you can. Leave it under the moonlight for the whole night & in the
morning throw the lot into the garbage can.

Ms. Starwoman doesn't give a time line as to how soon your ex will be turned
into a fly-eatin' creature although at the beginning of the chapter she
mentions that a real prince can't be turned into a toad. Who knows if this works or
not? I'll never know...I can't sew.

This book is really cute, though. There's other spells in here like the
"Kiss Me Quick" spell (intended to make your lips irresistible to that man of your
dreams), the "Hot Up Your Sex Life" spell (you have to stand naked in front
of a full length mirror for that one...not for me!!) and the "Break the Casino"
spell (for all you gamblers out there looking for the big payoff!).

I actually have tried some spells in this and other books I have but they
don't seem to work. Either it's all bunk or I just didn't believe in it enough.
Or Fate knew mote it be!


Friday, August 06, 2004

This Is A Test

Of the emergency Blogging System. If this were an actual post, you would be
notified by content. Please stay tuned for more.


Monday, August 02, 2004

Things I Learned This (past) Weekend...

I've just finished my four day weekend and I'm back at work. I had so much fun this weekend that I didn't want to come back. I wanted to call in sick and spend just one more day lazing out but alas! It's not meant to be. Have to pay for that new car.

I learned a few things this weekend that I'd like to pass along. First - WalMart is a great place to find cheap & obscure DVD's! Collin mentioned this to me earlier in the week so Wednesday we hopped over there and I found Six Ways To Sunday and The Serpent's Kiss, two movies that I had never seen but knew existed and had been wanting to see. And they were only $5.50 each!! What a bargain!!

Second - There's an anime show out there called Mini Goddesses that is soooooo cute! I've only seen one episode on the Ah! My Goddess DVD but I adored it & have been looking for more. I also really enjoyed the Ah! My Goddess movie, what I saw of it. I didn't get a chance to finish watching it but if you ever get the chance to see either show, check them out!!

Third - My sister-in-law is a better singer than me. We had a Karaoke Revolution contest at Derek's house Friday night and at the end, we all sang "I Will Survive" to see who got the highest amount of points. Heather won big! Congratulations to the new Revolution champion!

Fourth - I just learned this about 15 minutes ago...did you know that to stop an ice cream cone from leaking out the bottom all you have to do is push a marshmallow into it? Isn't that cool? My supervisor told me that while she was sharing her Hershey's caramel kisses with me. If you haven't had those yet, go pick up a bag or two and pig out!! They're to die for!

I think that's it. I learned a couple other things that aren't suitable for some reader's ears but you'll all survive without hearing about them! :D


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