Me:  Who in the world are we gonna cut?  Both these punters look great!

Labels: Broncos, collin, Conversations, Funny

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The scene is Thursday afternoon at my parents' house.

Dad: Have you decided what to do with your hamster yet?

Me: We're waiting for it to warm up so we can bury him.

Dad: And in the meantime he's sitting in your freezer.

Mom: Eeyew!!

Me: He's contained! He's in a bag in a box in two bags in a box in a bag!

Dad: You should just toss him in the dumpster!

Me: I'm not tossing him in the dumpster!!!

Dad: Why not?

Me: *sigh* Because....

Mom: Why don't you just turn your oven to 400 and cremate him?

Me: MOM!!

Dad: KAREN!!!

Mom: What?

Dad: Jeeze...the smell alone....

Mom: Well, it was just a thought.....

Labels: Conversations, Funny, Mom, Sam

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Yep. My birthday was yesterday. I'm officially *almost* old. :D Collin got me The Beatles Anthology DVD's, Grease DVD and the new Scissor Sisters DVD aaaaand an iPod Nano which I'm completely head over heels in love with! I got a ton of clothes from Mom & Dad not to mention lunch & dinner yesterday and Derek & Squatchy got me a cool Broncos hoodie and 3:10 To Yuma on DVD!! Shanon got me a Harajuku Lovers purse & make up bag & yummy goodies! Thank you to everyone!!

Conversation in a new VUE

Thursday morning Collin & I were going to breakfast with Mom & Dad....

Labels: birthday, Conversations, movies

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***Collin has the spooky whisper voice thing pulled off the tape and it should be posted here very soon!!!***

Jordyn's birthday is coming up on Friday and this year she's having a Skate City birthday party. Of course she's beside herself with excitement. Her job today was to call her great grandma and her aunt to invite them.

Me: Did you call great grandma & Pam?

Jordyn: Yeah but I had forgotten why I had called so I was just talking then I went "Oh, yeah...." and great grandma said "Yes?" And I said I didn't remember.

Me: So you never invited them to the party?

Jordyn: No...I forgot why I had called.

Me: *sigh* Call them back and tell them about the party.

So off she goes, phone in hand, to the basement.

Me: Did you call them?

Jordyn: I left a voice message.

Me: What did you say?

Jordyn: I just told them it was at Skate City on Academy & Beauregard.

Me: Academy & WHAT?

Jordyn: Academy & Beauregard.

Me: It's Academy & Constitution.

Jordyn: I thought it was Beauregard.

Me: It's Academy BOULEVARD, not Beauregard.

Jordyn: Ohhhh.....

Goof.

Labels: Conversations, Funny, Jordyn

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****Merry Christmas to you & yours!!!!****

Labels: Conversations, Mom

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We were at Jordyn's school play last night, waiting for it to begin and kids were walking the crowd, distributing candy canes. My mom gave me hers, saying she didn't like candy canes.

Me: You don't like candy canes???

Mom: Not really, no.

Me: How can you not like candy canes??

Mom: They're just uninteresting.

Labels: Conversations, Funny, Mom

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Midnight At The Oasis by Maria Muldaur was playing and the line "send your camels to bed" came up.

Collin: Send your camel to bed....

Me: Wha?

Collin: Send your camel to bed....it's after midnight, send them to bed!

Me: Those poor camels, up til all hours...forced to work...

Collin: Oh, no, they're up partying. SEND your camels to bed, not LET them go to bed.

Me: Oh, gotcha

Collin: Yep, them camels, partying til all hours, shaking their humps....their humps...their lovely camel lumps....

Labels: collin, Conversations, Funny

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This took place while we were sitting in the pre-op area on Halloween, waiting for Dad to be taken for surgery.  Somehow we got on the subject of being claustrophobic, which I am.  

Labels: Conversations, Funny, Mom

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On the radio: Tom Petty's Runnin' Down A Dream

TP: I put the pedal down to make some time...(Collin picked that time to really speed up.)

Me: Just cuz Tom Petty told you to go fast doesn't mean you have to.

Collin: I always do whatever Tom Pettey says.

Me: Oh yeah?

Collin: Yeah...I don't go 'round there no more...

Labels: collin, Conversations, Funny

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Here's the conversation that happened at the bar while we were waiting for our cake. Keep in mind I worked at this place for ten years and dealt with shit like this on a regular basis:

Bartender: Hi!

Old Man: Do you have Dr. Pepper?

B: We have Mr Pibb

OM: Do you have Dr Pepper?

B: No, we have Mr Pibb.

OM: (after a pause) Do you have Dr Pepper?

B: (still very calm and polite): No, we have Mr Pibb which is pretty much the same-

OM: Don't be a smartass and answer my question! Do you have Dr Pepper?

B: No, sir but we do have Mr Pibb.

And the guy just walked away pissed! I was shocked! The old guy was such a dick!!! What do you think?

Labels: Conversations

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Scene: At the stoplight at Powers & Constitution. A truck pulls up next to us and...

Dad: Why the hell would you wear a leather coat when it's 80-frickin' degrees outside?

Mom: He thinks he looks cool.

Dad: Well he doesn't look cool!

Me: He's actually really creepy looking.

Dad: You're right, he's creepy. Karen, I dare you to roll down your window and tell him he's a creepy looking guy. I'll give you $5.

Mom: I'll just start out with 'I'm getting $5 to tell you that you're a creepy looking guy. I'll give you $2.50!'

Labels: Conversations, dad, Mom

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Collin laughing to himself

Me: What?

Collin: I was just thinking that it would be cool to have an air hair band...

Me: An air hair band?

Collin: Yeah, they'd all be bald but swinging their invisible hair around while they're playing air instruments. It'd be great!

Me: laugh laugh laugh. Later: laugh laugh laugh

Collin: Are you still laughing about the air hair band?

Me: Yeah.

Collin: They would call themselves Rapunzel.

About 20 minutes later a couple sat down behind us and the lady started laughing at something her dinner partner said.

Me: Do you think what he said was funnier than Rapunzel?

Collin: No way! Rapunzel was brilliant!

Labels: Conversations

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To set the scene, we were heading west.

Justin: We're so lucky to live where the mountains are due west. It's so cool - that way you never get lost.

Collin: Unless you're in the mountains.

Justin: You can't get lost in the mountains.

Me: Yes, you can! Years ago Derek, Ryan & I were coming home from a family reunion and Ryan stopped for gas. We were 2 hours from home and when he pulled out of the station he turned the wrong way and we got lost. Took us another 5 hours to get home.

Justin: Were you heading down?

Me: What?

Justin: If you get lost in the mountains, you just head down. You were probably going sideways.

All of us: laugh laugh laugh

Justin: You're not taking me seriously!!!

Me: Sorry, but...head down??

Justin: Or...I don't know...wait for a mountain bus to come pick you up.

Labels: Conversations

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Time: Sunday afternoon while watching the Broncos play.

Set-Up: Jason Elam just missed his 2nd field goal.

Me: Yargh!! Darn that MaleMan! Feed him to the Dawgs!! (collapsing in a fit of laughter while Collin looks on confused.) Oh! You don't get why that's funny, do you?

Collin: Ummm...no...

Me: Okay, you know I call Jason Elam the MaleMan because his name spelled backwards is Male...

Collin: Yeah...

Me: And dogs are a mailman's enemy so you would feed a mailman to the dogs but what's so funny about this is that the Cleveland stadium is called the Dawg Pound and all the fans are Dawgs! (More laughter) See...that's funny!!

Collin: Oookay...(going back to his chicken, shaking his head at his football-crazy girlfriend)

Labels: Conversations

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We were watching Lost Wednesday night and there was a commercial for the sleep-aid Lunesta and their 7 night challenge...

TV: So go to Lunesta.com now and take our 7 night challenge...

Me: Unless you live in New York.

Collin: What?

Me: At the bottom of the screen, it says 'Offer not valid in New York.'

Collin: Well...isn't that the city that never sleeps?

Labels: Conversations

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Collin: What did you do while you were awake last night?

Me: Genealogy. I finally found some info on the Knight side of things. Turns out that I'm a direct descendant of King Henry I!

Collin: Wow!

Me: Yeah! I was thinking as the dates on these people went farther and farther back that they never seemed to keep track of peasants so I had to be related to nobles somehow. And then I saw it - Margaret de Clare, daughter of Gilbert de Clare. He was married to Joan Plantagent, who, if I'm not mistaken, was called The Fair Maid of Kent.

Collin: To her face.

Labels: Conversations

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Dad: There's a big blob of blue paint on the passenger side of my car.

Mom: Did you hit my car???

Dad: No, it's in the middle of the door so I'm assuming...

Mom: You know what you get for assuming, don't you?

Dad: Yeah, it makes an ass out of you.

Mom: And ME!!!! oh...

Labels: Conversations

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A little backstory before the conversation starts: There's a street just up the way from where my parents live called Valli Vista. It's a small, quiet street with about 20 houses. One day Dad instructed me to turn there on the way to his house because it "soothed him" being as it was so quiet and peaceful. He told me that he had never seen anyone on that street - people driving, sure, but never people in the yards or walking down the sidewalk. Said it was eerie.

One afternoon Dad & I drove by and there was an old man shuffling up the street. We were shocked but Dad decided he was a zombie because of the way he was moving. Somehow, we ended up calling Valli Vista "Zombie Lane."

Here now is the Conversation:

Dad: Ah, Zombie Lane.

Mom: I actually saw someone out in their yard yesterday on this street.

Dad: Yeah, a zombie!

(There was a man doing yard work as we passed - he had a little bulldozer and a huge pile of rocks.)

Mom: See? There's a person! He's not a zombie.

Dad: He's just doing the work. He doesn't know he's working for a zombie!

Me: Yeah. The instructions and the check were in the mailbox - he's never seen anyone.

Mom: Well, he must be a heck of an honest worker to do all that if he's already got the check.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Labels: Conversations

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I was talking to my dad the other day and somehow the topic of ultimate jobs came up. The conversation went something like this:

Dad: If I could be anything, I think I would be an archaeologist.

Me: Are you making fun of me? (My biggest dream was always to be an archaeologist, to discover things about ancient civilizations, uncover their secrets...doesn't that sound wonderful? My father, though, is very good at remembering things and bringing them back to tease you with. I thought that's what he was doing here.)

Dad: No! I always thought that would be fun. I wouldn't wanna be like your buddy...what's his name...

Me: Indiana Jones?

Dad: Yeah! I wouldn't wanna run through jungles and have poison arrows shot at me or anything. I just want to dig in the dirt, find little pieces of pots and things. Wouldn't that be great?

Me: YES!! That's exactly why I wanted to be an archaeologist!

Dad: You want to be one, too?

35 years and he never knew my dream was be an archaeologist! I could have sworn I'd told him. Apparently, though, that's where I get it from. I wouldn't mind the big discoveries like Indy but just to go to Egypt and dig in a tomb...that's what I want.

Ooo...except I probably couldn't sit and read at that job....

Labels: Conversations

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My mother's birthday was Friday so Collin & the kids and I went over to my parents' house to help her celebrate. We played her favorite games, On A Roll and Catch Phrase. There were only 4 of us playing Catch Phrase - - I was partnered with Collin and my Mom & Justin, who just turned 13 a couple weeks earlier, were partners. It was a bit harder for Justin to give and get clues because of his age - - there were some words or phrases that he wasn't familiar with.

He got the disc and looked at Mom and said, "Okay, an Orc..."

Mom immediately started spouting off words: "Mork, alien, Robin Williams, planet, Mork from Ork..."

"No...no...Orc," he re-emphasized. I thought he was leaning towards a Lord Of The Rings orc, trying to get her to say goblin or something of that nature. Justin sighed at my Mom's blank look and said, "Like...Orca?"

"Whale!!"

"Kind of...with a 'y' at the end."

"Orky?"

"Yes!!" And the disc passed to me. Now, I'm thinking, "Orky? What the hell is an orky?" I opened up the disc to see the previous word and started laughing so hard they had to stop the timer. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When I told everyone else what the word really was, they too joined in the mirth. Except Justin, of course. He had no idea why we were laughing. The word?

Orgy.

Labels: Conversations, Funny

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